TIP - Tying your shoes with the least effort

OK - so, you've worked hard to build up that blubber separating you from your feet. Now you have two options -

1) go barefoot for life
2) learn the proper way to reach your feet

As we all know that it is impossible to go barefoot for life, we need to focus on option 2. Even really drunk girls will notice if you are barefoot and not go home with you.

So, on to tying those shoes. First thing to do is to test if you have enough room to move. Measure the width of your belly (remember this number). Now open your knees wide - also measure this gap.

Now compare the two - if the gap between your knees at the widest point exceeds the width of your belly, you will be able to tie your shoes. We will call that ALWAYS FAT LAW 1.

The easiest thing to do is to let your belly hang in between your legs whilst bending to tie your shoes. NB - take a deep breath before commencing this exercise because the air to your lungs WILL be cut off for the remainder of this position. A tip - you can come up for air between shoes.

If you struggle too much with this, trying bringing your feet closer to your body. Use a stool or a step or something to get more height but BEWARE - combining this with bending down might cause a loss of balance resulting in a bad fall. (we will also give tips on how to get up with no help after such a fall)

Lastly - if all else fails, you can ask someone else to tie your shoes for you.